Tight Chest Throbbing Heart

I'm gasping for air as I feel my lungs start to constrict themselves. Blood flows purple. Heart blackening. Chest collapsing. Ribs cracking. Eyes blurring. Distant sounds pounding in my head. Whiskey on my lips turn to a deep nightmare but I still find myself awake. My heart is still beating. My stomach still bulged. My last thoughts to live. No midnight call. No 3 hours on the phone. Your voice has run from my head to my toes, swollen with fear. It's two after midnight and there's voices by my bed. I can't keep my eyes shut because once they open I know I'll see what's been staring, breathing, grinning through my soul. I've been sleeping and dreaming this nightmare up. I feel the hairs on my neck get up to crawl away. Down my shirt. Up the blanket which I left untucked for my face. I didn't want to suffocate completely. It gets hot and sweaty under this thick fabric. My comforter protects the poisonous bites of the red diamond of its black carcass. A stroll down the street, a laugh and my feet, moving step by step. A rustle of bushes and pause from memory. Pounce attack. Blood dripping, fresh slices. A friendly meow to a defensive hiss and you're literally scarred for life. 4 years young and scars on your face. Tails pulled to broken neck then coming death. Speaking up. Meeting someone new. Telling you what I want to be when I grow up and why. Palms sweating, head dripping. Face red quivering lip. I bite and everything spins. I can't comprehend what I'm supposed to tell you. Intimidate. Disappoint. Losing mom. Fighting disease. Anything paranormal. The thought of where I've been before and where I'm going after. What it's going to be like next time. How badly my chest aches. The way I literally feel my heart tightening but it's no harder to breathe. Learning about my career and starting a family. Fighting with my husband. Sending him to work not knowing what women he may see. Or if he does. Being lied to. In the end; I'm only afraid of what's not meant.

Make sense.

I'll build you a wall and watch as you climb it.

I'll give you a kite and see as you fly it.

I'll give you many things, but you must figure out what to do with them.

 

To watch someone learn is an uplifting thing,

To see how they use their skills to remake what an object does is beautiful.

 

I can only imagine you will fly your kite and climb your wall.

I can only hope you will get a running start, and on your own.

You might blend in, or you might stand out, and this is your opportunity.

 

Others will watch as you struggle to untangle the string of your kite, but you're getting there.

They might laugh because you're climbing a small wall, but they never had the option.

There might be someone just like you, trying something new.

He might even come give you a boost over your wall, through your string.

Another hand will give you their kite and run by your side.

 

On cold Winter days, someone might invite you in for a warm cup of tea.

The embarrassing moment when you drop your books, someone may help you pick them up.

When you cannot get a good nights rest, someone might tell you you're sick.

 

When you're sick and I can't build your immune system back up; You'll know how.

When you fall off your bike and get a scrape; You'll put a Band-Aid on and walk away smiling.

If someone takes your dearest blanket; I hope you take it back, kindly.

If someone cuts in line; I assure you'll ask them if it's worth it.

When you're in your darkest days; You better call your mom, or best friend.

The days you believe in God; You may share your inspiration.

The days you love what you do; You'll do more than expected; For you.

 

If I build you a house; You may thank me.

If I build you a mountain; I'll hear you've climbed it.

I'll build you a family; You will take care of it and love it.

I'll build you a castle; You'll find an army, any kind you will need.

 

I can build you many things, and only YOU can make the best of it.



"F" word a million times.

Eff that girl behind me that won't stop Bitching.
Your life doesn't suck, only to the extent you let it.

Eff having 4 thousand assignments just in one class.
I can't do this perfectly, but I need that letter. A.

I don't have time so go ahead and eff that, too.
Not being able to take a nap because of those
Extracurricular activities and another way
Into college. Because my Effing grades aren't
Good enough for you anymore, dammit.

Eff not being able to give you the story you've been
Waiting to hear. My fingers don't caress the pencil,
Not smooth against this Effing black keyboard.

The way she smiles and looks good in everything!
Eff the beautiful snitches that don't even try, right?

You can concentrate with music and people talking
But my Effing brain doesn't like that or something.

A BIG EFF YOU TO THE PERSON WHO CUTS
ME OFF. GET OFF THE DAMN ROAD, IDIOT!

Eff is getting old so screw the those who are close-minded.
You're probably wrong anyways. [:)]

Screw the freaking Dentist who won't fix my obviously
Cavitated tooth. Every time I chew or gargle it kills like
A MOTHER EFFER.

Screw those who understand math, seriously though.

Screw the way you work out and still look sexy. Your
Hair, Face, and that body? Eff my life.

Eff waking up late, because my hair is up and I
Couldn't shower.

Eff old thoughts. Because they were never meant
To be inside of you. No, I don't believe they were.
(Memories of You holding me close.)

Eff being sick, it's just about time. I hate conspiracy,
But Winter's my time. I'll cough and sniff, and cry
For my mom.

Eff being negative because I hate this a little bit.

Eff, eff, eff you who are against gays and you who
Believe in gossiping. Kill that off. It sucks. Makes
You not only unattractive, but then you suck as well.

And last, (Because I'm done with this)  EFF trying
To come up with the meaning of love! It's only
Something you can feel, emotionally, physically, emensly.
Eff the way it's bad and hurts. Eff the way love takes but won't
Give in return. Eff how much I do love you. Because
I don't know what it means, but I know what it feels.
I know what it's like to push love away, so Eff that.
Eff waking up to no texts. Eff laying in bed, thinking,
Wishing for that call. A text? NO. Eff it all! Eff second
Chances because they never change. And Eff the
Word "Eff", because it gives meaning.

Rapid Image Within

I don't really mind if you can't stay the night
I'm here but you don't see it. I'd be better
Off a hundred miles away. Kissing you slowly
Gives me the hint this is just a dream. I'm
Crawling now, is this tears or blood?
I need a forecast to check my temperature.
I think I'm rising, up to the top of my class.
The one I  almost want to split apart and
Savor the time we spend together. I know
You think about Jesus when you're down
And it makes your stomach drop or maybe
The grin on your face is because you got
Out of the house but you thought you'd never make
It to the top of the world, and now you're here.
I need some help to carry down my strength
So these hours don't call me out.

I'll wait
For your mind to join me so we  can meet
The moon together. Not because I love stars or
Anything. The romantic maze makes me believe
This jumbled up mess is just another paper due.
I might just stay and never stop. I can't move though,
So I might not even remember the throbbing of
My carpal tunnel through tips of apple stems
Guessing your first name never brought me
Any assurance. But here we are now. I want
To share my voice with you but I'm stuck.
I feel it now. Giving you what I didn't have.
We're sitting here in a living hell. Look the
Other way now. This breath is out and I see the
Blue sky telling me not to let go. On my knees,
Wondering what it's worth.
I can't still be here.
When you fall down, I can't pick you up.
These are just the thoughts of my skin
Not eating itself inside out.

THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS

You are my one true love. If you can understand that then you will know who I am and I will know who you are my dear.

Take my hand love, maybe we should run away.
We can dream of ways to get away, just you and me.
I'll tell you a million times, and I'll never stop.
Give me your hand and I'll hold it.
Give me your heart and I'll never let go.


That was the start of our show.
Lovers.
But expect so much more, don't we all?
Sweet love, I'd change my color for you.
I'm unnerved to make another mistake in the end
But I just want to be happy again.

Fighting with a broken heart. Dreaming of Forever.
When nothing's wrong, nothing's okay. So I know you'll make
It back. Right to me. I've seen this room and I've walked
This floor. I used to live alone before I knew anything of you.

The fragrance of his Sephora essence is lingering
In my sheets, regards of  lust with so little touch.
I roll out of bed and down on my knees
With my crying eyes, images of you wont stay.
I will love you, I will fight. What happened to
Forever, this just can't be right.

The way we would gaze in awe, and never glanced away.
Like we used to be. Hand in hand, lips to lips.
Your unshaven face brushing my lips as we exchange
Affection.  The way you run your fingers through my hair.
When I rub your back and you fall asleep. But I hate that,
Because when you sleep... You sleep for hours.
I know that because I know you. I know you too much. So much it hurts. The thought of us again. 
The way you pull me in close and my heart skips a beat.

My one true love, it's just a natural phase we're in. This hurt and pain needs some sun and rain.
Lovers dance when they're feeling in love
A wet downpour and you'll see my true colors.
Theres no changing now, I can't be anything than who I am.
I am  fluttering my eyes and batting my wings.
I am what you always wanted. You just haven't see it yet.

Perhaps you don't anticipate for me the way I am for you.
Baby love, just because we haven't spoken in a while,
Doesn't mean you're not mine. I'll take my chances
I know you're worth it.  I know you. Close your eyes
Love, create a world of you and I. Hand in hand.
Lips on lips. Growing old like my childhood dreams.

Love is a concept, an emotion, answers.
In the end love is the only thing that matters.
Because I believe in love, and so should you.

Cray onnnns

The tip of my crayon broke.

I flipped it to the flat side.

But it broke again. So I decided 

To take the paper off and 

Roll it, smear it. It looks sweet!

But now my crayon is gone.

It's all over my paper, not 

Between my fingers. 

I ask a girl I've never met, 

Do you want to play? 

It was a simple question. 

Now I'm nearing an adult. 

My crayons broke, same with

Fitting in. I can't ask you to play now.
Not in this day and age.
My crayons are broken. Colorless.

I don't have them to share anymore.

I just want to color. But someone took my rainbow.
 It's black and white now, with grey to blend.

But that wont stop me, I need the 
Pinks, and Greens, don't forget blue.

When I was six, the only thing that was
Hard was finding my mom in a 

grocery store.
Or having to leave the park.
Now I take my brother to the park. I
Want to leave after an hour.

Bring back the old me. 

The old you, too. 

I have a bag of crayons.

I'm waiting to share with

You.

Paris is everywhere. #bodylotion #amour #love

I don't even know my last name

When you ask who I am, I stutter. 

I wonder. I choke up. My chest

Tightens.

I hate him. I despise the person

I'm supposed to be. Why would

I ever want your name? 

You're just a gun, looks, you know. The

Type that will point. "Don't leave or I'll kill"

Kill who? I'm already dead. 
My mother? Don't you dare touch her. 

There's someone else here now. 

One who shows me love. Supports me.

Its not real, but its better than you. 

All along its never been her. It's you. Always you.

You ruin the meaning of father.

I kind of have one. But not the 

Kind who wrestles with you. Or takes you places. 
Its not real, but its better than 

You.

He loves me. But he doesn't know me. 

You don't know me though. I 

Don't care about anything. But

I will make you pay. Your last name is

Invisible to me. I don't have it.

Next time they ask, I'll let them know.

My first name. Not my last.

Swift Encounter (I am here)

It was a quick hello and exchange of names. But hey, I missed yours. How did I forget that so easily? You must have paralyzed me. I am here now and I search in my library, the name you gave me to call you. I could guess but what do I know? You reached and grabbed my hand. A touch of imprint that I'll never forget. How could I? The sound of your voice, all deep and raspy, man, you really got the best of me.

I watch you walk away. Not another word. Not one more glance. I'm staring in awe. My goal has been reached! Well... Almost. I've been searching for friends, but looking too close. You've been right there from the start. All these things I can and cannot do are just an other part of me and maybe you. I can feel your hand shaking mine. Genuine and somewhat divine.
I don't know you but maybe I want to. Is it possible I could even like you? This is how I know. These feelings inside and out. I've seen them and I've felt. I'm alive. I hope you are too. Not because we touched but because you're human.
We need love and someone to lean on. I'll be here. Nah, you don't even have to show me. I already know. Just because our color is different, a race, a culture. That just doesn't insult her. Not me. I'll take your hand once more, but not as an encounter this time. Now as your friend. A robot or not. We are here.

Nature. Mountains. Love.

From a far you're just something small. A lining of the never ending blue sky. You show a boundary of where we lie. The first time I was brought into your life up close, I knew I was in love. The essence and fragrance of pure, true beauty. I breathe in and instantly I'm at peace. With myself and the world. I feel happy. I feel no fear, no hate and nothing negative . I feel free and alive. It's finally my time, I'm where I'm supposed to be. The pollution is minimized, but when I see trash I turn red. I'm flushed with anger. How come every time I head down the canyon after a peaceful hike I have a grocery bag full of garbage? I cannot believe how lazy you are. Cans and wrappers will kill my mountain. OUR nature. The beautiful life of soil and rock, trees and grass and plants and animals. My getaway. Homes of several lives and you come to destroy? Make them choke or suffocate because you can't carry what you brought up? At least when I let go, it's a burden and I'm freed. You let go and it's a hazard to life. You pollute and kill. Don't be a monster. She gives us paper, oxygen and water. A natural medicine of essence. A place of release. I hike to lay a blanket and read. It's perfect here. The mountains give love, so give it back. Extend our stay, don't demolish it.

They won't decide. You will. (Intro)

I hear a growl, its been a few hours. "They" laugh because I eat at lunch. My clothes are never good enough. Of course not, I wear the same thing more than once. But why are we embarrassed? My voice is loud I like to be heard. But "they" don't talk, it's better that way. You go to seminary and maybe church, but your addiction says you shouldn't. You're not allowed to. "They" find out and you no longer have 14 friends. You'll even be lucky if you have one. You grew up your whole life with a drug addicted parent. Its what you know. You're scared you won't survive, over one hundred deaths a day. You lost your dad and start to fall. Fall for an answer. Making sure there's always someone there. A man or drugs, anything to make the pain go away. But you're scared because he's gone. Aren't they all? We move and experience that in this world, "they'll" never change. You're depressed and "they" show you that you're not enough. The scars on your wrists say you're gothic so you believe the ego. The label "they" give you is nothing unless you allow it to be. You decide if "they" control you. No? No. "They" can't do that. You be your own ego and your own label. For You, give yourself something that's not a cut, a drug, alcohol or sex. You respect yourself and eat at lunch. "They" say you have to be skinny, but you can't not eat. I have money, but clothes aren't where I choose to waste it. "They" still laugh and take my friends. Because no one wants a friend that's doesn't drive a Porsche. Yes. Money buys you love. "They" told me. "They" tell me every day without even a word. I start to not care. I choose to be myself. And not for a new label or a few friends. Now I can talk. I can be a nerd. I'm not shy I'm just scared of what "they" might say. But right now today, for me I'm speaking. To give the truth. It's better to be happy, even if you're alone. "They" won't control me anymore. Don't let it control you. For you, be you. If you don't believe, then you don't have to. You've been smoking since you were twelve and you sound like you're about to die. Just lost your job from your tattoo that you got for your sister who just died. It's your way of keeping her close. Don't explain why you're alone. "They" don't get your explanation of tears that's been glued to you because of "them". You don't cheer, girl. You don't play football. You don't deserve friends. Only "they" do. But if you see me, my friend I'll be here. Yes I said friend because I'm scared to be without. I won't judge you wrongly, but kid I love to observe. I'm the one who finds the best of you and the reasons behind those tears. That fake smile doesn't fool me. I see your bruises and want to reach out. I'd be your friend dear, all you have to do is say hi. For you and for me, let's change the world. We can reach out. For them we will. I'll make you smile and listen. Just give me a chance to give you a friend. Because my friend, it's scary alone. So decide to be happy. Make your own life. "They" haven't told us who we are now for years.

I had to add this picture because I was searching for "high school stereotypes" and this picture was in the search because our basketball team was all white last year... Hmm. Interesting.