Real talk

I laugh a lot. Mostly to myself... But even if you knew me you wouldn't understand me. You wouldn't understand why I laugh. But if you really knew me, you would know that I'm writing this for you and I'm reading this to you... Because you dear, are the only one that matters and only to you. Let me be the one to tell you that no body cares what you've got to say because if you really knew me, you would know I'm a hider. And that I'm honest to the point of hurt and sometimes I hate it I feel like it's a curse. But please, just get ready to be thrown down and know that now isn't the only time they make you hate your life so... FOR YOU: take a leap. Don't let the cold bother you. It's only the wind of your insecurities. Insecurities are just one part of the picture which is me. Without them, my picture is incomplete and thus, less beautiful. If you really knew me, you would know that I'm the most insecure person on this planet. And I hate meeting new people because to me I'm not so sure... My mom did things for me though... Things I couldn't do. She told me not to hide me because I'm not meant to hide... So please for you, don't hide you...  I know this is a game with players and losers... If this is a game if this is the biggest game then bring out your pride. But if you're a player or if you're a loser then be that. Don't change that. A rude you is better than no you because I know since I'm SO TRUE. I'll just be here to tell you that love, we don't need to hide. We can still be nice and play and speak our mind. Stop worrying. Never need to hate. Sweetheart, take your heart off of your sleeve. I'm done hearing that you wear your heart, emotions and whole life on your sleeve. If you really knew me, you would know I adore a confident lover because that's not me... I'm still scared to say hello and don't know what a conversation is. Not with a stranger. And if you really knew me... You would know that coming to Paris changed me. She gave me a rope to pull myself out of this hurricane and watch my insecurities go. Down. Down where I was drowning. Down where I was hiding. Now love, I don't know where you are but please look in a mirror... Tell yourself you're beautiful. Love yourself, you're beautiful... Love yourself. Be you, because you.. Are the only one who cares enough about you to love you. For you, be you. Keep on laughing, kiddo.  

Paris, don't go...</3

At first I was a little bit nervous to come to Paris... I thought it would be like owning a dog; give the dog a bone and he will finish it off. 

I thought paris was the dog whimpering for love so I could pet it. I thought the dog would eat sleep and poop, especially when it was scared, sharing something in front of it's friends.

But I never thought Paris could take me on long, peaceful walks that let me watch the sun set. I never imagined Paris would let me tell him about my bad day and respond with a loving lick on my cheek. I didn't think Paris could be a puppy forever, she never got old or slow. All of the barking when someone came to the door. Or the other puppies I got to meet. They were all such beautiful animals and Paris let me be one too... Paris showed me how to live. That chasing a bird was fun, not embarrassing. That whining to be let out for a potty break was normal... That, there's always more to learn, and it's always about me. No... It's about everyone but that I should be me... Paris is my best friend. My love. My life. My home... Paris made me. Paris freed my soul.

Utah PTA Reflections Contest

This should be fun and exciting! It was a little bit of a pain, but it's my first contest! Maybe something will come out of it, maybe not!:)

Love. Life. Answers.

Letters to write. Keep people alive.

Open when: you're feeling sad.

Open when: you need to remember why I love you.

Open when: you can't stop laughing.

Open when: you're need to make someone smile.

Open when: you need an idea for a fancy date.

Open when: you get your first kiss.

Open when: you're engaged.

Open when: you have your first baby.

Open when: your daughter has her first heart break.

Open when: school gets hard.

Open when: you find love for yourself.

Open when: your first grandchild is born.

Open when: you have financial distress.

Open when: you miss your mom.

Open when: it's your proudest moment.

-letters to anyone. Make them smile. 

I remember, do you?

I remember playing in irrigation water with my siblings and cousins. 

I remember when my cousins actually talked to me.

I remember in 8th grade, I got called to the principals office for drinking brandy on the play ground. I didn't even know what alcohol was. 

I remember 4 years ago on Christmas Eve when our family present was a baby binky. I didn't want a half sibling: now he's my best friend.

I remember reading a whole series in 45 days. I just read it again. 

I remember driving my parents car to my crush's house before I had my license. I ran out of gas by a gastation where there was a huge crash. There were ony 5 police cars there. And the owner of the pizza place I was sitting in for an hour asked me if I had my license. I lied. A lot. 

I remember watching 3 seasons of gossip girl after I had my wisdom teeth out. I hate drugs.

I remember my cousin finding heroine needles in his dad's room. It was the scariest thing I've experienced. 

I remember trying love. And I remember the first time I actually felt it. 

I remember having friends. But I decided to say no to drugs.

I remember December 3, 2009... 

I remember having sleepovers. They're fun until you wake up in the morning and have to choose if you want to stay for two more awkward hours to eat breakfast, or just go home. 

I remember. 

Cherrrs mayyynnn.

A slide to friendship. Try not to look at each other... But I know we will. Third wheelin'. (Hahahah I didn't move these chairs... Racist green men.) Lonely slide... Oh wait. I'm on it. This slut always gets ridden.

Duck. Duck. goose.

Wall Art. Positive Vibes. I was hanging out with an old friend. Tattoos were on our minds and especially hers. She wanted one. But she can't for a month. So instead, we went to someone's house. A birthday party kind of thing. They were all in college and they were somewhat "Special". Actually, from the moment I walked Inside this house, I felt a change in my spirit. From a tired, kinda worried spirit, to a complete And utter feeling of love and welcome. This house was special, and so were the people Inside of it. There was a chiming of beautiful music Inside of my head and it was so pure I wasn't sure if it Was real or not. But sure enough, they were in a band. Their WHOLE SINGLES WARD. Okay, not all of them... But The group of 10 that they hangout with. As I was walking Downstairs, I noticed these walls... They were beautifully wordy... They spoke to me. These walls had so many amazing Things written on them. The guy saw me staring at the walls in awe and asked if I Wanted some markers to draw with. So I did... And this is What I drew... Nothing extreme... But I love bob! This house Was an amazing experience and I'll never forget the vibes or The color of these people's souls. So thank you stranger...

Only dreaming (Listen to If the Rain Must Fall- James Morrison)

Hello lover, please be all of these things and I'm all yours!<3 *Love the outdoors and hiking. *Gives himself unconditionally in every way. *Make at least as much income as I do. *Positive about life. *Want me to be myself and love me for it. *Understand my dry sense of humor. *Respect me and my decisions. *Love cuddling, cause I do!;) *Can cook a decent meal. *Clean up after yourself. *Like surprising me and make me feel special. *Tells me everything, even the boring shiz. *Same interests and hobbies as me. *Trustworthy and loyal. *Releases bad energy in a positive way. *Never assumes we wont work out. *Builds himself up (Good Self-esteem) *Loves spending time with me but isn't too clingy. *Lives a secure lifestyle. *Interacts well with my family and likes being around them. *Likes to be healthy. *His family is welcoming and I fit in well. *Respects that I don't like PDA (unless its an old couple cuddling<3) *I like curly, dark-haired guys... But that's not a must. *I'd like him to be taller and larger than me... But ya know; Love is love.

Create my Love (Listen to the Dispicable Me song-hehe.....)

PEANUT BUTTER AND NUTELLA BANANA, BABY.<3 I don't know if it's the sweetness or the knife, but this is my love life. Take a banana, and at the end where the banana is shortest (bottom), you Pinch it and then you tear the peel off of the banana, exposing the ovary Completely. Throw the peel away and lay the banana on the counter. Get a Pairing knife and cut the banana length wise down the middle so you have two Equal halves. lay the slimy side facing up and get a jar of peanut butter (creamy or crunchy-which ever you prefer.)and unscrew the lids off. Set the Lids on the counter and take your butter knife and get some peanut butter on The end of your knife, then spread it on one half of the banana, on the slimy Side. Wipe off your peanut butter from the knife, just in case someone is allergic To peanut butter and likes nutella. Then put the butter knife into the nutella jar and get some nutella on the end of your knife and then spread the nutella on The half of your banana that doesn't have the peanut butter on the slimy side. Clean your knife off and put it in the dish washer. Go back to your banana Slices and place the peanut butter and nutella onto each other, including your Banana halves. Put the lids back onto your peanut butter and nutella, then put the Two jars back into your pantry. Pick your banana sandwich up and eat as you please. ITS DELICIOUS. You're welcome:)

Hate this

Going on a date:

Avoid hate and your "special friend".

Select your date:

Look at the menu the day before.

Tell Me

What's it like to be obese? 

Growing up with huge family results 

In me never pushing more than 140. 

Even that's huge. 

. What's it like to smoke a joint and shoot up my veins? I'll never know thanks to my dad. Really, thank you. What happened to promises? They never happen. What happened to support and unconditional love with no judgement? Because I don't believe in death and I don't like hate. What about becoming a paramedic? Because I cry when I think about a small child's life. I think I love the beach but the mountains give me God. What does it feel like to be without food? To be stolen from? To read a letter from a soldier? What's it like to hear my lovers voice and my child's heartbeat? I know the answers, but I want to understand.

I forgot

I forgot why I like you...

I forgot people around me don't know the truth and it's not their fault.

I forgot I used to do the worm. Embarrassing.

I forgot my money is for gas and food. Not a new wardrobe.

I forgot breaking bad isn't really over yet.

I forget I'm trying to be different. 

I forgot I love going to movies. I forgot you're the one who took me. 

I forgot that I hate the cold... It's cold.

I forgot I have a dad that moved on to drugs and away from me. I forgot my late grandma might be sad about that, too.

I forget my only friend is manipulative and I can't even talk to her. 

I forgot what turned me so emotional. 

Sincerely, 

-I hate lists. 

What happened to Lost and Found?

I've been waiting, and forcing everything I have, and holding on to the only thing left.. I keep wondering, and thinking... you: You're lost, aren't you? I think about you like grass thinks about the other side. Like relationships think about forever. Like  fathers' knees' think about supporting his family. Like  4 year olds think about themselves. Like haunted houses think about putting you in its coffin. Like boys think about sex and getting the next... Hottest. I think about you like straighteners think about the smell of crisp hair and burnt flesh. And I'm thinking about you like mountains think about land slides and like rain thinks about drowning children. I think about you like the earth thinks about it's own core and how one day, a little quake, and we'll all see it. I think about you... I think about you so much that I know the feeling of apnea and cardiac arrest. I think about you like the elderly think of heaven and god. I think we all think about death. I think about you... Like dreams think about making you think you're flying.. I think about every damn thing I can that reminds me of you. That bedtime story you wrote for me... I keep reading it and thinking about why I'm crying and why you're hiding. I think about you like schools think about championships. Like stories think about pleasing their writers. I think about you like the dead think about dancing in the sky and the living think about signing up for that choir.  I'm thinking about you like demons think about unzipping our skin and wearing it. Like tongues think about playing games with our teeth: how it's a miracle they never get bit. I'm thinking about you like Dragons think about protecting princesses... Ya. That was me. I think you're lost, and I'm going to find you. Because I can't get you off my mind, and maybe I don't want to. Until I find you, RIP <3

Cigars and wine

You made me love you...

 

I hate how you kiss me and hold me.

The way you make me feel stupid.

I hate how I tried and you played, but this game isn't for fun.

I hate the sun. I can see you and hear your deep scary voice. No more love jokes and apple slices.

New Years was way too cold to try that little trick.

The world whore you kissed.

Call me Colby and I'll hate you more.

That's not my name you f*cking dick.

My beating soul only feels my cardiac heart. 

My soft face. Moisture of tears. 

I think it's time I tell you why. 

3. 400 if your own. 40 to me. 0 of my own 500 to you.

2. Empty belly and screaming lungs. You just laugh and have some fun.

1. One word, that you didn't mean. 

That lie you threw around. Like I'm just a rag doll. 

Give me your world; I can shut it down.

And now I only loathe you. 

Hide the vodka or leave

From the moment I wake up until my hair turns grey; any noise ends up back to you. 

From 9-10 pm, when I'm in my bed wondering if you're going to call, my heart beat is rewritten. 

You created an insomniac and when I sleep I recognize this trying in finding you. And I'm looking at smoke but I picture the flames.

Every time I tried to stretch this magic out, the more flat tires you gave me.

The haystack of games I sat on while you were the needle that never poked it's way to one of mine.

You weren't ready for Paris when I was here, writing our one sided love story. 

I've been trying to climb this slippery rock, when you're already at the top and I end up looking up to you with these puppy eyes, wondering why you won't feed me.

You staind these scrapes red and my heart is melting black. 

When you locked the door I broke the windows. I stole it all back. Time after time you struck at my love. 

$500 dollars I'll never get back and those meals I thought were for you are my lover's. 

Slutty names that aren't my own, I took that like a ghost playing piano and no.. No one is home.

All these cries left are echoes. 

And then I heard it : MAYBE LOVE SHOULDN'T. 

Apologies don't survive in the hands of theives. 

These secrets are no place for love. 

And I almost drank this bullet filled chemical to clear my throat to an open door.

I don't hear your words anymore.

This war is over. 

Lamp posts and real hoes

I watch her and I think I want her. 

Lesbian. Gay. 

She looks so good and she catches my eye.

Maybe it's the reason: I love the smell of cologne. 

My body shower scented man. 

I sometimes use my brothers deodorant; his cologne smells like you.

Try and smell me now, won't you? 

Find me and label me. 

HA.

I don't always do these things. Not every day. Only the days I'm missing him. 

I'm not so "gay" after all. 

Never kissed a girl. I could if I was drunk. But she'd still have to be gorgeous and have long hair with that crisp caramel color. I like to see a sexy body. I'm insecure. So insecure that you wouldn't believe; I still eat. 

I want that body of hers.

That's why I wonder sometimes. 

I want what she has and what I'm too weak to become.

Maybe I'm wrong. And maybe the moon told me to move on. I asked the sun about the Big Bang. The crater that everyone thinks might be cheese... Yeah. He told me that that theory is just a sleaze. Just like that slut.

Just like that slut I think I want to be. Girl trust me. Spread your wings and your heart. Rip open that beauty and art. 

I'm me and that's fine. The moon told me reflecting is hard. Being my own sun and stars is better than being mistaken as a street light.

Dark blue

You say they are beautiful; I only see black.

The sky darker than any negro colored crayon. 

Images give no evidence of blue. Take me on; black along with disappearing planets; gone in the wind.

Those blue get me confidence and compliments. 

Maybe I'm a liar. 

Because I'm what I hate and you're what I want.

Stop with the bleeding. Take the blow. Take on anyone. 

Maybe love is just muscle memory. 

In the dark with music on; wishing I was somewhere else.

I'll fly away and leave it behind. Only red drowning out perceived blue.

Take away the black and steal innocence.

Breath-in-exhale. 

This ocean fell far from the blood spill.

Is there a reason we break and die? There's a reason why we laugh and love. 

A reason why we speak and preach.

The knowledge behind brushing our teeth and picking our scabs.

Why our taste buds like sweet or salty.

When I was a kid, I used to think sticks and stones were really worse than words...

And then I heard the words fat and weird.

They wrote loser on my locker and I had to scrub it off.

The principal hated me. People were shotting brandy on the park bench and I dragged my friend far away.

He thought I was there; getting drunk next to the school grounds. He acted like he had me on a tight rope and he thought he was right. But kids are cruel.

They were wrong. I didn't belong with that group and maybe I don't belong to any clique. 

Don't worry, I will graduate and make it. My life continues on that balance beam but this is just beauty. 

There's you and then there's... Well; this.

I play games. The nerdy ones like mahjong and sodoku. I like figuring weird. I say things like that, they don't make sense.

My hand is an inch from my face, somehow I don't see it. It's not blurry but nonexistent. You're a little freaked out. But there's a blockage in my way.

I hear her voice but she's not there either. I don't even know her name. I don't know how old she is or why she stares... But if you asked me I'd say she's good. You on the other hand, you'd be scared and pull out your bible and the cross. 

I'm thinking of going into psychology or medium reading. I want to prove to you that they're still here. That they aren't bad. 

I sometimes read too deep into things. I don't think you understand. I'm sure you don't like it. But sweetheart, you've got to know this; your baby, he's just fine.

My little fighter

You see me, but do not speak. Do you understand me?

I love the way you smile and laugh, but this is taking from out bond. 

I'll hold you, kiss your cheek and sing your song.

Because my beautiful dove, you're free. 

The pain is real, it's strong so I feel. I watch you, I know you.

You're still the brightest sun. Though little respond. My little fighter. My tear, your heart. Trying for stone. 

Inspiration, faith and need. You are my noble steed.

Push me, love me, unconditionally. 

You've done your part, you played the role. Now it's time my sisters soul. You're strong but weak. Spread your wings and take a leap. 

I look up and your soul is here. You're pure. No longer do I fear. 

And then I see

 

 I crave bread. Real bread... Not the white stuff that is bleached flour. Cooked meals are something I'll never take for granted. My half brother who I wasn't excited for is my best friend. My step dad cares and I cherish the opportunity. Being healthy is important to me. If it's too cold or too hot, I know it's not the end of the world. Opening your heart to someone is the best medicine. Judgement is about who you are. A glass of water is better in a drought. The blessing of siblings saves loneliness and creates a friend. Hugs really do make anything better. Technology saves me a lot of work, but I don't actually learn. Salty makes me sweet. Dancing and freeing your soul releases tension and is less awkward. Having a car of my own gives me sense of trust and responsibility. I appreciate being disciplined when I made a bad decision. My mom is my best friend. Music in every context uplifts my heart.