Love. Life. Answers.

Letters to write. Keep people alive.

Open when: you're feeling sad.

Open when: you need to remember why I love you.

Open when: you can't stop laughing.

Open when: you're need to make someone smile.

Open when: you need an idea for a fancy date.

Open when: you get your first kiss.

Open when: you're engaged.

Open when: you have your first baby.

Open when: your daughter has her first heart break.

Open when: school gets hard.

Open when: you find love for yourself.

Open when: your first grandchild is born.

Open when: you have financial distress.

Open when: you miss your mom.

Open when: it's your proudest moment.

-letters to anyone. Make them smile. 

I remember, do you?

I remember playing in irrigation water with my siblings and cousins. 

I remember when my cousins actually talked to me.

I remember in 8th grade, I got called to the principals office for drinking brandy on the play ground. I didn't even know what alcohol was. 

I remember 4 years ago on Christmas Eve when our family present was a baby binky. I didn't want a half sibling: now he's my best friend.

I remember reading a whole series in 45 days. I just read it again. 

I remember driving my parents car to my crush's house before I had my license. I ran out of gas by a gastation where there was a huge crash. There were ony 5 police cars there. And the owner of the pizza place I was sitting in for an hour asked me if I had my license. I lied. A lot. 

I remember watching 3 seasons of gossip girl after I had my wisdom teeth out. I hate drugs.

I remember my cousin finding heroine needles in his dad's room. It was the scariest thing I've experienced. 

I remember trying love. And I remember the first time I actually felt it. 

I remember having friends. But I decided to say no to drugs.

I remember December 3, 2009... 

I remember having sleepovers. They're fun until you wake up in the morning and have to choose if you want to stay for two more awkward hours to eat breakfast, or just go home. 

I remember. 

Cherrrs mayyynnn.

A slide to friendship. Try not to look at each other... But I know we will. Third wheelin'. (Hahahah I didn't move these chairs... Racist green men.) Lonely slide... Oh wait. I'm on it. This slut always gets ridden.

Duck. Duck. goose.

Wall Art. Positive Vibes. I was hanging out with an old friend. Tattoos were on our minds and especially hers. She wanted one. But she can't for a month. So instead, we went to someone's house. A birthday party kind of thing. They were all in college and they were somewhat "Special". Actually, from the moment I walked Inside this house, I felt a change in my spirit. From a tired, kinda worried spirit, to a complete And utter feeling of love and welcome. This house was special, and so were the people Inside of it. There was a chiming of beautiful music Inside of my head and it was so pure I wasn't sure if it Was real or not. But sure enough, they were in a band. Their WHOLE SINGLES WARD. Okay, not all of them... But The group of 10 that they hangout with. As I was walking Downstairs, I noticed these walls... They were beautifully wordy... They spoke to me. These walls had so many amazing Things written on them. The guy saw me staring at the walls in awe and asked if I Wanted some markers to draw with. So I did... And this is What I drew... Nothing extreme... But I love bob! This house Was an amazing experience and I'll never forget the vibes or The color of these people's souls. So thank you stranger...

Only dreaming (Listen to If the Rain Must Fall- James Morrison)

Hello lover, please be all of these things and I'm all yours!<3 *Love the outdoors and hiking. *Gives himself unconditionally in every way. *Make at least as much income as I do. *Positive about life. *Want me to be myself and love me for it. *Understand my dry sense of humor. *Respect me and my decisions. *Love cuddling, cause I do!;) *Can cook a decent meal. *Clean up after yourself. *Like surprising me and make me feel special. *Tells me everything, even the boring shiz. *Same interests and hobbies as me. *Trustworthy and loyal. *Releases bad energy in a positive way. *Never assumes we wont work out. *Builds himself up (Good Self-esteem) *Loves spending time with me but isn't too clingy. *Lives a secure lifestyle. *Interacts well with my family and likes being around them. *Likes to be healthy. *His family is welcoming and I fit in well. *Respects that I don't like PDA (unless its an old couple cuddling<3) *I like curly, dark-haired guys... But that's not a must. *I'd like him to be taller and larger than me... But ya know; Love is love.

Create my Love (Listen to the Dispicable Me song-hehe.....)

PEANUT BUTTER AND NUTELLA BANANA, BABY.<3 I don't know if it's the sweetness or the knife, but this is my love life. Take a banana, and at the end where the banana is shortest (bottom), you Pinch it and then you tear the peel off of the banana, exposing the ovary Completely. Throw the peel away and lay the banana on the counter. Get a Pairing knife and cut the banana length wise down the middle so you have two Equal halves. lay the slimy side facing up and get a jar of peanut butter (creamy or crunchy-which ever you prefer.)and unscrew the lids off. Set the Lids on the counter and take your butter knife and get some peanut butter on The end of your knife, then spread it on one half of the banana, on the slimy Side. Wipe off your peanut butter from the knife, just in case someone is allergic To peanut butter and likes nutella. Then put the butter knife into the nutella jar and get some nutella on the end of your knife and then spread the nutella on The half of your banana that doesn't have the peanut butter on the slimy side. Clean your knife off and put it in the dish washer. Go back to your banana Slices and place the peanut butter and nutella onto each other, including your Banana halves. Put the lids back onto your peanut butter and nutella, then put the Two jars back into your pantry. Pick your banana sandwich up and eat as you please. ITS DELICIOUS. You're welcome:)

Hate this

Going on a date:

Avoid hate and your "special friend".

Select your date:

Look at the menu the day before.

Tell Me

What's it like to be obese? 

Growing up with huge family results 

In me never pushing more than 140. 

Even that's huge. 

. What's it like to smoke a joint and shoot up my veins? I'll never know thanks to my dad. Really, thank you. What happened to promises? They never happen. What happened to support and unconditional love with no judgement? Because I don't believe in death and I don't like hate. What about becoming a paramedic? Because I cry when I think about a small child's life. I think I love the beach but the mountains give me God. What does it feel like to be without food? To be stolen from? To read a letter from a soldier? What's it like to hear my lovers voice and my child's heartbeat? I know the answers, but I want to understand.

I forgot

I forgot why I like you...

I forgot people around me don't know the truth and it's not their fault.

I forgot I used to do the worm. Embarrassing.

I forgot my money is for gas and food. Not a new wardrobe.

I forgot breaking bad isn't really over yet.

I forget I'm trying to be different. 

I forgot I love going to movies. I forgot you're the one who took me. 

I forgot that I hate the cold... It's cold.

I forgot I have a dad that moved on to drugs and away from me. I forgot my late grandma might be sad about that, too.

I forget my only friend is manipulative and I can't even talk to her. 

I forgot what turned me so emotional. 

Sincerely, 

-I hate lists. 

What happened to Lost and Found?

I've been waiting, and forcing everything I have, and holding on to the only thing left.. I keep wondering, and thinking... you: You're lost, aren't you? I think about you like grass thinks about the other side. Like relationships think about forever. Like  fathers' knees' think about supporting his family. Like  4 year olds think about themselves. Like haunted houses think about putting you in its coffin. Like boys think about sex and getting the next... Hottest. I think about you like straighteners think about the smell of crisp hair and burnt flesh. And I'm thinking about you like mountains think about land slides and like rain thinks about drowning children. I think about you like the earth thinks about it's own core and how one day, a little quake, and we'll all see it. I think about you... I think about you so much that I know the feeling of apnea and cardiac arrest. I think about you like the elderly think of heaven and god. I think we all think about death. I think about you... Like dreams think about making you think you're flying.. I think about every damn thing I can that reminds me of you. That bedtime story you wrote for me... I keep reading it and thinking about why I'm crying and why you're hiding. I think about you like schools think about championships. Like stories think about pleasing their writers. I think about you like the dead think about dancing in the sky and the living think about signing up for that choir.  I'm thinking about you like demons think about unzipping our skin and wearing it. Like tongues think about playing games with our teeth: how it's a miracle they never get bit. I'm thinking about you like Dragons think about protecting princesses... Ya. That was me. I think you're lost, and I'm going to find you. Because I can't get you off my mind, and maybe I don't want to. Until I find you, RIP <3

Cigars and wine

You made me love you...

 

I hate how you kiss me and hold me.

The way you make me feel stupid.

I hate how I tried and you played, but this game isn't for fun.

I hate the sun. I can see you and hear your deep scary voice. No more love jokes and apple slices.

New Years was way too cold to try that little trick.

The world whore you kissed.

Call me Colby and I'll hate you more.

That's not my name you f*cking dick.

My beating soul only feels my cardiac heart. 

My soft face. Moisture of tears. 

I think it's time I tell you why. 

3. 400 if your own. 40 to me. 0 of my own 500 to you.

2. Empty belly and screaming lungs. You just laugh and have some fun.

1. One word, that you didn't mean. 

That lie you threw around. Like I'm just a rag doll. 

Give me your world; I can shut it down.

And now I only loathe you. 

Hide the vodka or leave

From the moment I wake up until my hair turns grey; any noise ends up back to you. 

From 9-10 pm, when I'm in my bed wondering if you're going to call, my heart beat is rewritten. 

You created an insomniac and when I sleep I recognize this trying in finding you. And I'm looking at smoke but I picture the flames.

Every time I tried to stretch this magic out, the more flat tires you gave me.

The haystack of games I sat on while you were the needle that never poked it's way to one of mine.

You weren't ready for Paris when I was here, writing our one sided love story. 

I've been trying to climb this slippery rock, when you're already at the top and I end up looking up to you with these puppy eyes, wondering why you won't feed me.

You staind these scrapes red and my heart is melting black. 

When you locked the door I broke the windows. I stole it all back. Time after time you struck at my love. 

$500 dollars I'll never get back and those meals I thought were for you are my lover's. 

Slutty names that aren't my own, I took that like a ghost playing piano and no.. No one is home.

All these cries left are echoes. 

And then I heard it : MAYBE LOVE SHOULDN'T. 

Apologies don't survive in the hands of theives. 

These secrets are no place for love. 

And I almost drank this bullet filled chemical to clear my throat to an open door.

I don't hear your words anymore.

This war is over. 

Lamp posts and real hoes

I watch her and I think I want her. 

Lesbian. Gay. 

She looks so good and she catches my eye.

Maybe it's the reason: I love the smell of cologne. 

My body shower scented man. 

I sometimes use my brothers deodorant; his cologne smells like you.

Try and smell me now, won't you? 

Find me and label me. 

HA.

I don't always do these things. Not every day. Only the days I'm missing him. 

I'm not so "gay" after all. 

Never kissed a girl. I could if I was drunk. But she'd still have to be gorgeous and have long hair with that crisp caramel color. I like to see a sexy body. I'm insecure. So insecure that you wouldn't believe; I still eat. 

I want that body of hers.

That's why I wonder sometimes. 

I want what she has and what I'm too weak to become.

Maybe I'm wrong. And maybe the moon told me to move on. I asked the sun about the Big Bang. The crater that everyone thinks might be cheese... Yeah. He told me that that theory is just a sleaze. Just like that slut.

Just like that slut I think I want to be. Girl trust me. Spread your wings and your heart. Rip open that beauty and art. 

I'm me and that's fine. The moon told me reflecting is hard. Being my own sun and stars is better than being mistaken as a street light.

Dark blue

You say they are beautiful; I only see black.

The sky darker than any negro colored crayon. 

Images give no evidence of blue. Take me on; black along with disappearing planets; gone in the wind.

Those blue get me confidence and compliments. 

Maybe I'm a liar. 

Because I'm what I hate and you're what I want.

Stop with the bleeding. Take the blow. Take on anyone. 

Maybe love is just muscle memory. 

In the dark with music on; wishing I was somewhere else.

I'll fly away and leave it behind. Only red drowning out perceived blue.

Take away the black and steal innocence.

Breath-in-exhale. 

This ocean fell far from the blood spill.

Is there a reason we break and die? There's a reason why we laugh and love. 

A reason why we speak and preach.

The knowledge behind brushing our teeth and picking our scabs.

Why our taste buds like sweet or salty.

When I was a kid, I used to think sticks and stones were really worse than words...

And then I heard the words fat and weird.

They wrote loser on my locker and I had to scrub it off.

The principal hated me. People were shotting brandy on the park bench and I dragged my friend far away.

He thought I was there; getting drunk next to the school grounds. He acted like he had me on a tight rope and he thought he was right. But kids are cruel.

They were wrong. I didn't belong with that group and maybe I don't belong to any clique. 

Don't worry, I will graduate and make it. My life continues on that balance beam but this is just beauty. 

There's you and then there's... Well; this.

I play games. The nerdy ones like mahjong and sodoku. I like figuring weird. I say things like that, they don't make sense.

My hand is an inch from my face, somehow I don't see it. It's not blurry but nonexistent. You're a little freaked out. But there's a blockage in my way.

I hear her voice but she's not there either. I don't even know her name. I don't know how old she is or why she stares... But if you asked me I'd say she's good. You on the other hand, you'd be scared and pull out your bible and the cross. 

I'm thinking of going into psychology or medium reading. I want to prove to you that they're still here. That they aren't bad. 

I sometimes read too deep into things. I don't think you understand. I'm sure you don't like it. But sweetheart, you've got to know this; your baby, he's just fine.

My little fighter

You see me, but do not speak. Do you understand me?

I love the way you smile and laugh, but this is taking from out bond. 

I'll hold you, kiss your cheek and sing your song.

Because my beautiful dove, you're free. 

The pain is real, it's strong so I feel. I watch you, I know you.

You're still the brightest sun. Though little respond. My little fighter. My tear, your heart. Trying for stone. 

Inspiration, faith and need. You are my noble steed.

Push me, love me, unconditionally. 

You've done your part, you played the role. Now it's time my sisters soul. You're strong but weak. Spread your wings and take a leap. 

I look up and your soul is here. You're pure. No longer do I fear. 

And then I see

 

 I crave bread. Real bread... Not the white stuff that is bleached flour. Cooked meals are something I'll never take for granted. My half brother who I wasn't excited for is my best friend. My step dad cares and I cherish the opportunity. Being healthy is important to me. If it's too cold or too hot, I know it's not the end of the world. Opening your heart to someone is the best medicine. Judgement is about who you are. A glass of water is better in a drought. The blessing of siblings saves loneliness and creates a friend. Hugs really do make anything better. Technology saves me a lot of work, but I don't actually learn. Salty makes me sweet. Dancing and freeing your soul releases tension and is less awkward. Having a car of my own gives me sense of trust and responsibility. I appreciate being disciplined when I made a bad decision. My mom is my best friend. Music in every context uplifts my heart.

1+1=DEATH

A life in my head:

A small and fragile skin forgetting any hurt. Some bruises from falling 6 inches. Friends the same, sharing without a worry. And then sixth grade you left me... Walks to the park. My favorite babysitter. The way you tickled my ear and caressed me as I was falling asleep on your lap. How the only thing I remember is happiness. Our parties with make-up and earrings. The day I found out You didn't really quit smoking. It was to stop me from worry. I was 9 and you cried. But you loved me. You protected me. And then you died. In sixth grade... I refer to death as losing my grandma. I figure she'll miss me graduate, get married, have a baby... The important things. But once she left. My life seemed to end, too. My parents went their separate ways. My grandpa tuned out. His house is filled with druggies. Of course my dad and uncle were the ones with drugs. She held everything together. But forget all that because that's not my life. When I'm alone in my room crying. She's there... On my birthday when my streamers were moving, I knew it was you there... How else? This is my jumbled brain not making sense. The same as death. You're gone but only through physical touch... I know you watch me. I feel guidance. Death communicates through seeing what life couldn't. The only way I can portray what I presume.

This is about YOU

I was a sad and lonely, very lost and very confused teenager. Many things were going wrong and I wanted it all to disappear. The lying and the stealing. Betrayal and hurting friends. I almost got away with sex and alcohol. With the way you treated me. I stole mascara when I had 6 tubes at home. It was an act. I was your puppet and you pulled my strings. Remember Halloween, 2009? I said I'm done with this. My mom was there and she helped me stand up for myself. The last day of ninth grade when you ruined my white dress. Eggs stuck to my car and fried on the cement of my driveway. When you sneaked in my house at two in the morning. I know what you did. What you did makes me cry. It makes me insecure. It makes me quiver at any touch. When people say it was me, I want to beat the shit out of them. But then I realize; you're the one that did this. The way I had a hundred friends and now I have one. Reasons I go home and punch holes through my walls. When someone tries talking to me and I can't find comfort in it. How I can't go anywhere without someone telling me you're there. They say I shouldn't go because you're there. But I'm sure you didn't tell them the sick thing you did. The you I've been talking about isn't the you this post is about... I got invited to a small self-love and confidence kind of thing. I saw you there. You were in charge. And you told us a story. About your dad. This story wasn't just yours... It was mine, too. The change from sober to the smell of aged grape and strong whiskey. Your voice that gives away the lack of respect you have for him. That rhyme of homeless men with a kick of beat. The way I felt like you really cared. I only write when I'm having the urge to cry or hurt myself. The reason I'm writing this right now... I saw something. One of the two adults that lead me and that I actually enjoy listening to. The awkward way I see into your soul and the attention I give you. It was different without you this year. In that group thing... The one that's meant to help that homeless kid. Help me. I didn't think I was homeless until I made myself click and enroll. This Paris that is changing me internally. So to you... I didn't get it all across. My point being, that is. But one day you might know. You have an impact. #ThankYou

Tight Chest Throbbing Heart

I'm gasping for air as I feel my lungs start to constrict themselves. Blood flows purple. Heart blackening. Chest collapsing. Ribs cracking. Eyes blurring. Distant sounds pounding in my head. Whiskey on my lips turn to a deep nightmare but I still find myself awake. My heart is still beating. My stomach still bulged. My last thoughts to live. No midnight call. No 3 hours on the phone. Your voice has run from my head to my toes, swollen with fear. It's two after midnight and there's voices by my bed. I can't keep my eyes shut because once they open I know I'll see what's been staring, breathing, grinning through my soul. I've been sleeping and dreaming this nightmare up. I feel the hairs on my neck get up to crawl away. Down my shirt. Up the blanket which I left untucked for my face. I didn't want to suffocate completely. It gets hot and sweaty under this thick fabric. My comforter protects the poisonous bites of the red diamond of its black carcass. A stroll down the street, a laugh and my feet, moving step by step. A rustle of bushes and pause from memory. Pounce attack. Blood dripping, fresh slices. A friendly meow to a defensive hiss and you're literally scarred for life. 4 years young and scars on your face. Tails pulled to broken neck then coming death. Speaking up. Meeting someone new. Telling you what I want to be when I grow up and why. Palms sweating, head dripping. Face red quivering lip. I bite and everything spins. I can't comprehend what I'm supposed to tell you. Intimidate. Disappoint. Losing mom. Fighting disease. Anything paranormal. The thought of where I've been before and where I'm going after. What it's going to be like next time. How badly my chest aches. The way I literally feel my heart tightening but it's no harder to breathe. Learning about my career and starting a family. Fighting with my husband. Sending him to work not knowing what women he may see. Or if he does. Being lied to. In the end; I'm only afraid of what's not meant.

Make sense.

I'll build you a wall and watch as you climb it.

I'll give you a kite and see as you fly it.

I'll give you many things, but you must figure out what to do with them.

 

To watch someone learn is an uplifting thing,

To see how they use their skills to remake what an object does is beautiful.

 

I can only imagine you will fly your kite and climb your wall.

I can only hope you will get a running start, and on your own.

You might blend in, or you might stand out, and this is your opportunity.

 

Others will watch as you struggle to untangle the string of your kite, but you're getting there.

They might laugh because you're climbing a small wall, but they never had the option.

There might be someone just like you, trying something new.

He might even come give you a boost over your wall, through your string.

Another hand will give you their kite and run by your side.

 

On cold Winter days, someone might invite you in for a warm cup of tea.

The embarrassing moment when you drop your books, someone may help you pick them up.

When you cannot get a good nights rest, someone might tell you you're sick.

 

When you're sick and I can't build your immune system back up; You'll know how.

When you fall off your bike and get a scrape; You'll put a Band-Aid on and walk away smiling.

If someone takes your dearest blanket; I hope you take it back, kindly.

If someone cuts in line; I assure you'll ask them if it's worth it.

When you're in your darkest days; You better call your mom, or best friend.

The days you believe in God; You may share your inspiration.

The days you love what you do; You'll do more than expected; For you.

 

If I build you a house; You may thank me.

If I build you a mountain; I'll hear you've climbed it.

I'll build you a family; You will take care of it and love it.

I'll build you a castle; You'll find an army, any kind you will need.

 

I can build you many things, and only YOU can make the best of it.



"F" word a million times.

Eff that girl behind me that won't stop Bitching.
Your life doesn't suck, only to the extent you let it.

Eff having 4 thousand assignments just in one class.
I can't do this perfectly, but I need that letter. A.

I don't have time so go ahead and eff that, too.
Not being able to take a nap because of those
Extracurricular activities and another way
Into college. Because my Effing grades aren't
Good enough for you anymore, dammit.

Eff not being able to give you the story you've been
Waiting to hear. My fingers don't caress the pencil,
Not smooth against this Effing black keyboard.

The way she smiles and looks good in everything!
Eff the beautiful snitches that don't even try, right?

You can concentrate with music and people talking
But my Effing brain doesn't like that or something.

A BIG EFF YOU TO THE PERSON WHO CUTS
ME OFF. GET OFF THE DAMN ROAD, IDIOT!

Eff is getting old so screw the those who are close-minded.
You're probably wrong anyways. [:)]

Screw the freaking Dentist who won't fix my obviously
Cavitated tooth. Every time I chew or gargle it kills like
A MOTHER EFFER.

Screw those who understand math, seriously though.

Screw the way you work out and still look sexy. Your
Hair, Face, and that body? Eff my life.

Eff waking up late, because my hair is up and I
Couldn't shower.

Eff old thoughts. Because they were never meant
To be inside of you. No, I don't believe they were.
(Memories of You holding me close.)

Eff being sick, it's just about time. I hate conspiracy,
But Winter's my time. I'll cough and sniff, and cry
For my mom.

Eff being negative because I hate this a little bit.

Eff, eff, eff you who are against gays and you who
Believe in gossiping. Kill that off. It sucks. Makes
You not only unattractive, but then you suck as well.

And last, (Because I'm done with this)  EFF trying
To come up with the meaning of love! It's only
Something you can feel, emotionally, physically, emensly.
Eff the way it's bad and hurts. Eff the way love takes but won't
Give in return. Eff how much I do love you. Because
I don't know what it means, but I know what it feels.
I know what it's like to push love away, so Eff that.
Eff waking up to no texts. Eff laying in bed, thinking,
Wishing for that call. A text? NO. Eff it all! Eff second
Chances because they never change. And Eff the
Word "Eff", because it gives meaning.

Rapid Image Within

I don't really mind if you can't stay the night
I'm here but you don't see it. I'd be better
Off a hundred miles away. Kissing you slowly
Gives me the hint this is just a dream. I'm
Crawling now, is this tears or blood?
I need a forecast to check my temperature.
I think I'm rising, up to the top of my class.
The one I  almost want to split apart and
Savor the time we spend together. I know
You think about Jesus when you're down
And it makes your stomach drop or maybe
The grin on your face is because you got
Out of the house but you thought you'd never make
It to the top of the world, and now you're here.
I need some help to carry down my strength
So these hours don't call me out.

I'll wait
For your mind to join me so we  can meet
The moon together. Not because I love stars or
Anything. The romantic maze makes me believe
This jumbled up mess is just another paper due.
I might just stay and never stop. I can't move though,
So I might not even remember the throbbing of
My carpal tunnel through tips of apple stems
Guessing your first name never brought me
Any assurance. But here we are now. I want
To share my voice with you but I'm stuck.
I feel it now. Giving you what I didn't have.
We're sitting here in a living hell. Look the
Other way now. This breath is out and I see the
Blue sky telling me not to let go. On my knees,
Wondering what it's worth.
I can't still be here.
When you fall down, I can't pick you up.
These are just the thoughts of my skin
Not eating itself inside out.

THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS

You are my one true love. If you can understand that then you will know who I am and I will know who you are my dear.

Take my hand love, maybe we should run away.
We can dream of ways to get away, just you and me.
I'll tell you a million times, and I'll never stop.
Give me your hand and I'll hold it.
Give me your heart and I'll never let go.


That was the start of our show.
Lovers.
But expect so much more, don't we all?
Sweet love, I'd change my color for you.
I'm unnerved to make another mistake in the end
But I just want to be happy again.

Fighting with a broken heart. Dreaming of Forever.
When nothing's wrong, nothing's okay. So I know you'll make
It back. Right to me. I've seen this room and I've walked
This floor. I used to live alone before I knew anything of you.

The fragrance of his Sephora essence is lingering
In my sheets, regards of  lust with so little touch.
I roll out of bed and down on my knees
With my crying eyes, images of you wont stay.
I will love you, I will fight. What happened to
Forever, this just can't be right.

The way we would gaze in awe, and never glanced away.
Like we used to be. Hand in hand, lips to lips.
Your unshaven face brushing my lips as we exchange
Affection.  The way you run your fingers through my hair.
When I rub your back and you fall asleep. But I hate that,
Because when you sleep... You sleep for hours.
I know that because I know you. I know you too much. So much it hurts. The thought of us again. 
The way you pull me in close and my heart skips a beat.

My one true love, it's just a natural phase we're in. This hurt and pain needs some sun and rain.
Lovers dance when they're feeling in love
A wet downpour and you'll see my true colors.
Theres no changing now, I can't be anything than who I am.
I am  fluttering my eyes and batting my wings.
I am what you always wanted. You just haven't see it yet.

Perhaps you don't anticipate for me the way I am for you.
Baby love, just because we haven't spoken in a while,
Doesn't mean you're not mine. I'll take my chances
I know you're worth it.  I know you. Close your eyes
Love, create a world of you and I. Hand in hand.
Lips on lips. Growing old like my childhood dreams.

Love is a concept, an emotion, answers.
In the end love is the only thing that matters.
Because I believe in love, and so should you.

Cray onnnns

The tip of my crayon broke.

I flipped it to the flat side.

But it broke again. So I decided 

To take the paper off and 

Roll it, smear it. It looks sweet!

But now my crayon is gone.

It's all over my paper, not 

Between my fingers. 

I ask a girl I've never met, 

Do you want to play? 

It was a simple question. 

Now I'm nearing an adult. 

My crayons broke, same with

Fitting in. I can't ask you to play now.
Not in this day and age.
My crayons are broken. Colorless.

I don't have them to share anymore.

I just want to color. But someone took my rainbow.
 It's black and white now, with grey to blend.

But that wont stop me, I need the 
Pinks, and Greens, don't forget blue.

When I was six, the only thing that was
Hard was finding my mom in a 

grocery store.
Or having to leave the park.
Now I take my brother to the park. I
Want to leave after an hour.

Bring back the old me. 

The old you, too. 

I have a bag of crayons.

I'm waiting to share with

You.

Paris is everywhere. #bodylotion #amour #love

I don't even know my last name

When you ask who I am, I stutter. 

I wonder. I choke up. My chest

Tightens.

I hate him. I despise the person

I'm supposed to be. Why would

I ever want your name? 

You're just a gun, looks, you know. The

Type that will point. "Don't leave or I'll kill"

Kill who? I'm already dead. 
My mother? Don't you dare touch her. 

There's someone else here now. 

One who shows me love. Supports me.

Its not real, but its better than you. 

All along its never been her. It's you. Always you.

You ruin the meaning of father.

I kind of have one. But not the 

Kind who wrestles with you. Or takes you places. 
Its not real, but its better than 

You.

He loves me. But he doesn't know me. 

You don't know me though. I 

Don't care about anything. But

I will make you pay. Your last name is

Invisible to me. I don't have it.

Next time they ask, I'll let them know.

My first name. Not my last.

Swift Encounter (I am here)

It was a quick hello and exchange of names. But hey, I missed yours. How did I forget that so easily? You must have paralyzed me. I am here now and I search in my library, the name you gave me to call you. I could guess but what do I know? You reached and grabbed my hand. A touch of imprint that I'll never forget. How could I? The sound of your voice, all deep and raspy, man, you really got the best of me.

I watch you walk away. Not another word. Not one more glance. I'm staring in awe. My goal has been reached! Well... Almost. I've been searching for friends, but looking too close. You've been right there from the start. All these things I can and cannot do are just an other part of me and maybe you. I can feel your hand shaking mine. Genuine and somewhat divine.
I don't know you but maybe I want to. Is it possible I could even like you? This is how I know. These feelings inside and out. I've seen them and I've felt. I'm alive. I hope you are too. Not because we touched but because you're human.
We need love and someone to lean on. I'll be here. Nah, you don't even have to show me. I already know. Just because our color is different, a race, a culture. That just doesn't insult her. Not me. I'll take your hand once more, but not as an encounter this time. Now as your friend. A robot or not. We are here.

Nature. Mountains. Love.

From a far you're just something small. A lining of the never ending blue sky. You show a boundary of where we lie. The first time I was brought into your life up close, I knew I was in love. The essence and fragrance of pure, true beauty. I breathe in and instantly I'm at peace. With myself and the world. I feel happy. I feel no fear, no hate and nothing negative . I feel free and alive. It's finally my time, I'm where I'm supposed to be. The pollution is minimized, but when I see trash I turn red. I'm flushed with anger. How come every time I head down the canyon after a peaceful hike I have a grocery bag full of garbage? I cannot believe how lazy you are. Cans and wrappers will kill my mountain. OUR nature. The beautiful life of soil and rock, trees and grass and plants and animals. My getaway. Homes of several lives and you come to destroy? Make them choke or suffocate because you can't carry what you brought up? At least when I let go, it's a burden and I'm freed. You let go and it's a hazard to life. You pollute and kill. Don't be a monster. She gives us paper, oxygen and water. A natural medicine of essence. A place of release. I hike to lay a blanket and read. It's perfect here. The mountains give love, so give it back. Extend our stay, don't demolish it.

They won't decide. You will. (Intro)

I hear a growl, its been a few hours. "They" laugh because I eat at lunch. My clothes are never good enough. Of course not, I wear the same thing more than once. But why are we embarrassed? My voice is loud I like to be heard. But "they" don't talk, it's better that way. You go to seminary and maybe church, but your addiction says you shouldn't. You're not allowed to. "They" find out and you no longer have 14 friends. You'll even be lucky if you have one. You grew up your whole life with a drug addicted parent. Its what you know. You're scared you won't survive, over one hundred deaths a day. You lost your dad and start to fall. Fall for an answer. Making sure there's always someone there. A man or drugs, anything to make the pain go away. But you're scared because he's gone. Aren't they all? We move and experience that in this world, "they'll" never change. You're depressed and "they" show you that you're not enough. The scars on your wrists say you're gothic so you believe the ego. The label "they" give you is nothing unless you allow it to be. You decide if "they" control you. No? No. "They" can't do that. You be your own ego and your own label. For You, give yourself something that's not a cut, a drug, alcohol or sex. You respect yourself and eat at lunch. "They" say you have to be skinny, but you can't not eat. I have money, but clothes aren't where I choose to waste it. "They" still laugh and take my friends. Because no one wants a friend that's doesn't drive a Porsche. Yes. Money buys you love. "They" told me. "They" tell me every day without even a word. I start to not care. I choose to be myself. And not for a new label or a few friends. Now I can talk. I can be a nerd. I'm not shy I'm just scared of what "they" might say. But right now today, for me I'm speaking. To give the truth. It's better to be happy, even if you're alone. "They" won't control me anymore. Don't let it control you. For you, be you. If you don't believe, then you don't have to. You've been smoking since you were twelve and you sound like you're about to die. Just lost your job from your tattoo that you got for your sister who just died. It's your way of keeping her close. Don't explain why you're alone. "They" don't get your explanation of tears that's been glued to you because of "them". You don't cheer, girl. You don't play football. You don't deserve friends. Only "they" do. But if you see me, my friend I'll be here. Yes I said friend because I'm scared to be without. I won't judge you wrongly, but kid I love to observe. I'm the one who finds the best of you and the reasons behind those tears. That fake smile doesn't fool me. I see your bruises and want to reach out. I'd be your friend dear, all you have to do is say hi. For you and for me, let's change the world. We can reach out. For them we will. I'll make you smile and listen. Just give me a chance to give you a friend. Because my friend, it's scary alone. So decide to be happy. Make your own life. "They" haven't told us who we are now for years.

I had to add this picture because I was searching for "high school stereotypes" and this picture was in the search because our basketball team was all white last year... Hmm. Interesting.